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Ho ho hello. And welcome to the Bray Cured Christmas Gift Guide 2023. It’s written on our blog, in verse, because why not?
Twas the month before Christmas, and my inbox was plied
With dozens of advertisers, selling spots in gift guides,
At “fractions of usual rates”, they all said,
Bray Cured could appear in their double page spread.
But no-one reads print, who were they trying to kid,
With their proffered exposure for a “mere hundred quid”?
The team wanted that cash for their own Christmas drink,
Prompting this Christmas Gift Guide blog post rethink.
It occurs at this stage, that it will take some time,
To render our Christmas catalogue fully in rhyme,
And that matching Clement Clarke Moore for length verse by verse,
Is only likely to make the conversion rate worse.
So we’ll cut down the scope and get on with the pitch,
Of charcuterie gifts to scratch every itch,
What’s this we see? A first meaty thriller?
Our muffaletta sandwich pack meat stocking filler.
Following our outing with James upon ITV,
We’ve put together the most delicious three.
A trio of packs that, combined with veg, cheese and bread,
Will make visions of layered salami sandwiches dance in your head.
Now what’s better than giving loved ones novelty socks?
That’s right, sending them meat in a box.
For lovers of meats in various guises,
We present Charcuterie Selections in two different sizes.
Choose for them now whether a five or ten pack,
And a beautiful gift box will fill Santa’s sack,
They will open it up and their gift and gifter adore,
While glorious wood wool cascades, all over your floor.
Now what about those for whom best life living,
Requires a charcuterie gift that just keeps on giving?
Those fortunate souls will love your gift most,
With our Letterbox Charcuterie. Yes! Meat through the post!
A beautiful gift box, with voucher pre-paid,
For a quantity of charcuterie, so beautifully made,
Different meats each month, a surprise in the mail,
For a unique gifty treat, this is one which can’t fail.
And for that person you know, who has too much stuff,
Of ‘Toilet Golf’ and desk toys, they’ve had more than enough,
You’ve been struggling, it’s hard to find something new,
Something exciting, something different, something to do,
Well gifter, relax, prepare to be smothered,
In the joy of giving, for you we have covered,
For foodies and charcuterie lovers can come to the source,
And experience a most wonderful, Charcuterie Course.
Choose bacon, duck or salami, then sit back and wait,
For your giftee to visit on their chosen date,
Take a tour, a tasting and then make their own,
Which they’ll surely share with you when they bring it home.
And that’s it, the gift guide, it’s all written down,
So you’re armed with great options when Christmas rolls ‘round,
And for those with the happy skill of being prepared,
There are pre-order savings online so your cash can be spared.
Visit braycured.com and put your order in,
Take a pre-order discount, so it’s a win-win,
We’ll hang on to the parcel until a week or so before,
So the shelf-life is longer when it lands at your door.
And if a specific date is there in your mind,
Drop an order note on, and it will all be fine,
We love sending gifts, we think it’s real sweet,
When at Christmastime you choose, to say it with meat.